Currently listening to:Time of my life from the Dirty Dancing OST
Status:kinda sleepy.

dear acquaintance,

i feel like you are an interesting person, unpretentious, nice hair, decent dress sense. in our one or two conversations so far i have yet to feel the need to massacre your speech with a red pen, or employ spellcheck on your grammar. i dont know how to stress enough how rare and important this quality is.

would you like to be friends?

i would make a really good friend. you dont look convinced. i really would, im fun to be around, really! you still dont look convinced. you look kind of worried, actually. i have a stellar track record when it comes to friendships, honest.

as a friend, i would:

1. respond to all your incessant sims social requests.

if we were good enough friends, i might even create a farmville account for the sole purpose of helping you click on buttons to complete your quests. a former social gamer myself, i empathise fully with every status update you post appealing to your 1134 facebook friends for a gift of Pumpkins to complete your halloween quest, or Hope and Literacy to build your bookshelf. I also promise not to mention this in public or complain about this the next morning in a non-joking manner.

2. give you three in one nescafe gold whenever you need some, peppered with appropriate words of encouragement.

You may select from a plethora of preset compliments, or request a new one. Existing available templates include Dont worry, the night is young, Sure I’ll stay up to proofread your essay, Yes that tutor is totally a bitch when it comes to marking and attendance can you believe it and Its okay, your 113 words will do themselves and turn into 2000 words in no time.

3. be always available to talk to you at 4am.

i feel like this, it is one of my better traits. few people are awake at 4am on a regular basis, i would know. however, my heritage being one eighth owl one eighth cat and six eighth human, i prowl around across twilight and tiptoe backwards around the clock. on the other hand, dont expect coherent conversation with me in the afternoon. everyone knows cats take lengthy afternoon naps sprawled under the sun.

another reason why this is pretty important: the ambiguous hours stretching one to four am are what i call post-romcom depressive vulnerable periods. after watching one or two episodes of your favorite romcom/sitcoms after school, you are often left victim to post-rom-com syndrome where you juxtapose your own life to that of Barney and Ted’s and think, well, my life is a bit of a shit aint it. Nothing ever happens. if you’re the kind of friend who doesnt watch sitcoms (i might have to reconsider my offer of friendship) then at 1-4am you are possibly falling into manic depressive OSHIT MY LIFE SUCKS WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY ASSIGNMENTS syndrome. in which, i would give you a helpful wake up slap, and offer you instant coffee (see point two).

4. invite you to be privvy to my super stash of life secrets

i mean, i dont get all these people and their obsession with the secret to happiness. there is no secret. its splashed right there on big screen tv- now even in HD maybe!- on disney channel. its called hakuna bloody matata and IT MEANS NO WORRIES, FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS. i have been following this life mantra for about nine and a quater days now, and its working great for me so far. i mean, yeah, i have a pile of work hidden under my bed and angry tutors chasing me. but according to timon and pumba, its a problem free philosophy, so i dont think much can go wrong.

5. make you laugh when you need it the most

i have a natural God given talent for this, truly. ask anyone.

in exchange for all these really awesome perks i have just mentioned, you need to:

1. be relatively interesting. its the only reason why i want to be your friend so stay interesting or go sit in a bush.

2. never use the words “bo jio” or “ah ah siol” with me, nor sing/hum/make references to Tonight by Enrique, Give me everything by Pitbull, Anyone of us by Gareth Gates, or Lips of an Angel by Hinder, because they are asshole songs of the highest order and i hate them with a passion i cannot explain.

3. never intentionally spoil the next episode of the vampire diaries for me.

i will unfriend you immediately. on facebook, twitter, and block you off my phonebook. this is how serious i am.

4. tolerate me when i go into my silent moods.

there are times when i need complete silence to think, or because i am already holding multiple conversations with the people living in my head and cannot handle another voice. there are also times when i would like to be alone. this is not a vague reference to being, in popculture slang today, emo, or depressed, and therefore it is not a nonverbal subtle girl-type cue for you to come talk to me and ask me what is wrong, and reply I Know Youre Not when i say Im Ok. This is not 9gag. i dont believe in playing games. if i am not ok, i will tell you i am not ok, and that i do not wish to interact, please come back in half an hour. it is simply that i enjoy being alone (although i would still like to be your friend..!!). i cannot comprehend the human need to be around another person all the time, no matter how intrigued i am by our friendship.if i wanted to spend that much time with you, i would date you. otherwise, stop being so clingy.

Its not much, is it? Also, im really fun to be around! I promise! I have a stellar friendship record! please send your reply back in a brown envelope and address it to jemimah wei, second star to the right, straight on till morning. what do you mean its not a legit address? i dare you to tell that to peter pan.

x
♥jem